TRANSACTIONAL ANALYSIS MAKES LIFE EASY!

We are entering a delicate territory this time! If you are married and say that you have never faced it,you are lying!! Haha! Marital conflicts!!!!

Though most couples are generally in a peaceful state, there are times when the bomb explodes suddenly! A normal, positive conversation shifts into a negative one in a jiffy! The purpose of the conversation is then immediately lost. Conflicts drain your energies and make you wallow in self pity. Let us explore more.

The easiest way seems to be to maintain a symbiotic relationship You keep me happy,I keep you happy. Easily said than done. We really are different people. We have different ideas, different feelings, different interests. Symbiosis doesn’t work all the time! We cannot possibly match ourselves and  think the same way always ! So,the next easiest solution one looks for is to expect the other person to change !! This is when the conflict gradually escalates. At this stage each person focusses on defending themselves and simultaneously punishing or blaming the other partner.And this can further blow up to any proportions. Sky is really the limit!! Are you wondering how I know so much? That’s because I am married for more than 3 decades now and am a psychologist too!

On a serious note, the more often this is repeated, the more negative the relationship  becomes. So,it is imperative that the conflict is resolved respectfully, mutually. My experience tells me that understanding the underlying psychology in any interaction helps to improve communication between partners and avoid conflicts.

 Our memory has a lot to do with this. Each one of us has already written and stored a life story for ourselves by the age of seven , which we revise further during adolescence. As grown-ups we are usually not aware of the life story we have written. This is our life 'script' and we tend to act according to this without our knowledge. 

Conflict resolution should then begin from exploring our own personality and the other person’s personality and finding out how this has been shaped due to our childhood experiences.I have tried this too! This means to try to understand why we think, act and feel the way we do during any interaction.  

I am convinced that some basic knowledge of Transactional Analysis or TA is always good to neutralize and maintain the acid-base balance in a relationship.

TA is a psycho-analytical theory, developed by Eric Berne in the 1960s. He called the basic unit of any social interaction as a ‘transaction’. 

When two persons communicate, one person initiates the transaction and the other responds. If a person is fully ‘present’ during the transaction, and is able to ‘analyse’ the existing transaction as it proceeds with awareness, the chances of misunderstanding would be less. Morever, one can even direct the transaction to our favor. Now that's cool,isnt it? 

I recommend that everybody be  given a short course on Transactional Analysis before marriage!!

So let me elaborate further..

The TA model suggests that we all have three ego states, Parent, Adult, and Child which constitute our feelings and emotions and regulate our transactions.

Parent ego state includes our attitudes, feelings, and behavior that we have acquired from our parents or any person who has performed the duty of being the primary caregiver. So in a given situation,our response would be determined by how  one of our parents would have behaved if they were in that situation. So whether you had a controlling parent or a nurturing parent would be a decisive factor in your present personality. Think about it. How were your parents when you were a kid? What were their beliefs and attitudes?

On this note, I am reminded of this poem that I read in the Prayer Book of Holy Child School where I was a teacher a long time ago..

Children Learn What They Live by Dorothy Law Nolte

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.

If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.

If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.

If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.

If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.

If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.

If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.

If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.

If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.

If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.

If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.

If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.

If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.

If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.

If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.

If children live with fairness, they learn justice.

If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.

If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.

If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

Adult  ego state is our present state as we are now.In this state, a person is able to assess the environment objectively and in a pragmatic way with maturity. In this state, you will be able to compute various probabilities based on facts. You would convey your ideas in a dignified and in a matter of fact way.

Child ego state includes the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that we experienced as a child. This depends on whether you were a Natural Child or an Adapted Child.

The Natural child types are curious, creative and expressive in letting their emotions. They may sometimes appear to be immature or over-emotional and  disconnected with the real world. The Adapted Child types have trained social skills and behavior and usually conforms to gender-specific messages, may be lacking in confidence or not able to accept responsibility. They may compensate this by becoming aggressive or rebellious.

So if your children do not behave properly stop condemning them and start analysing where you  went wrong in raising them!!  I have always said, there are no problem children. There are only problem parents!!

So basically, every person’s Parent and Child ego states could be different depending on the circumstances in which they were raised. How you behave or how your partner behaves in a given situation depends on  which of these states is activated in that particular situation. By identifying which ego states are present in a given transaction, one can relate the behavior to the associated thoughts and behaviors of that State. When you deal with a situation with this understanding, you can modify, direct and thus regulate the transaction with the people around you into  positive ones.

Transactions are generally of two kinds, The favorable ones called the Complementary transactions  and the unfavorable ones known as the Crossed transactions.

When the ego states of both the persons are complementary to one another, the interaction is always positive and constructive. This means that what you say and the response you expect to receive and actually receive, are the same.

A  person in a Parent ego state talking to another person in Child ego state or a person in Child ego state responding to a person in Parent ego state would be complementary. There is a mutual give and take in this transaction and both parties feel loved. When one partner is completely dependent on the other and does not question the ‘Parent’ partner, it would be complementary. Seems impossible in present times though!!

Suppose you were not keeping well. You may expect attention and love from your partner.This transaction would be complementary if your partner acts from the Parent ego state and attends to you with affection.

 Maybe you feel you are independent and can take care of yourself even when you are ill and your partner also lets you be the way you would want.It does not mean that there is no affection in this relationship but there is an understanding that you know to deal with the situation rationally. A person in Adult ego state talking to another person in Adult ego state would also be complementary.

In a complementary transaction, both  the individuals  feel acknowledged and understood and the conversation can go on without emotional outbursts or hurt feelings.

Crossed transactions, as the name suggest, happen when  a person says something from one ego state, and gets a different response from the expected one from the partner. A person asks a question from the Adult ego state, hoping that the reply from the other person would also come from the Adult ego state. But instead the second person’s child ego state is activated. This would probably result  in a fight, or an abrupt end to the conversation.

Let us take the same example. If you are not well, you would act from your Child ego state of wanting attention. But your partner may act out from Adult state and may not connect with it as an adult behavior and may tell you to take your medicines yourself. This can leave you hurt as you may feel that your emotional needs were not met. Is your partner really at fault? No. If only you knew how TA works !!

Simple! Isnt it? It is always the crossed transactions that lead to disruptions in relationships. So next time when you are in the middle of a crossed transaction, try to shift the ego states to make them complementary. Analyse your relationship patterns and see which state do you act and respond from usually. Do the same for your partner to understand and make your relationships better.

Bye for now! Planning to have an Adult to Adult conversation with my partner today about our Retirement Plans!! Hope we manage it well! Fingers crossed!! Haha!