LETTING THEM BE!!

I recently wrote this on Facebook for my students who are now parents to toddlers.

   " This will be particularly useful to my 'students' who are already married and have small babies who look upto them as role models in their new world. If you are in doubt,think about how I dealt with you!! 😀😀

If you think your child doesn't obey, talk to me and I shall remind you of how you were as a kid!!

I have always believed that there are no problem children,there are only problem parents! If you are finding it difficult to handle your child,somewhere, something is wrong with you!! Keep that in mind.

Pampering your child is good! Let them realize that they are loved. Shouting and screaming at them shows your lack of discipline!!

As a teacher, I have had many parents come to me with issues about their children when the situation was going overboard and they were finding it difficult to handle the situation. I appreciate those parents to have opened up and released their anxiety about their kids.It never was academics that was an issue! Get into the root cause..

Bubble!! Break the bubble,before it grows too big!

Stop your do's and don'ts..many of you parents may recollect my saying this! Let them perceive and conceive their own do's and don'ts with your support.

 We donot want simulated models of us..we want to see a new child who knows just to  'be'!! To be most comfortable in the form they are!"

I just thought of elaborating this post a bit by adding my own experiences to it.

A student from school

I had a student named A.P (in Middle School) who was just an ordinary child with a father who had extraordinary expectations from him.This boy had missed attending school  for a few months together due to some health reasons. All the teachers were told by the Principal to take special classes for this boy to help him cover the backlog and to bring him quickly to the level of the class. His mother copied all the classwork and homework for him.But unfortunately, despite all our efforts,he had to repeat the Grade for one more year.I was  his Class Teacher for the second time.He had lost  all  his friends as they had now moved to a class  senior to him.A.P. was in his teens- very tall for his age and played cricket well.He was quiet and shy which could be interpreted as being well-behaved,though I don't think it is true.Being shy and being well behaved are two different traits.

 One day when I was teaching A.P. separately he told me that how much ever he tried he was not able to cope with academics. I sensed a feeling of loss in him somewhere.So, I decided to experiment with him. From the very next day I gave him simple chores to assist me.I announced him as my 'Assistant' to the class. I would tell him to pick stuff from the top shelf of the cupboard by telling him that it would be easy for him to do that because of his height.That was a way of telling him that even I was not capable of doing certain things that he could do. I spoke to the games teacher to include him in the cricket team.I would stand and watch him play and appreciate him when he played well.Slowly, the rest of the class started considering him as an ace cricketer! He became friends with the other children of the class.

Giving a responsibility was good for his self esteem and he improved in all aspects in a couple of months including his studies. A few nice words of appreciation in front of the class and in the playground was enough to make him work more.We shared a special bond.I came to know that he liked singing and baking.He would sing Mukesh’s songs for me and would even get me cakes that he would bake himself. A good memory to cherish!

 Now this incident happened in school.The same approach can be tried by parents at home. Parents should not  try to fix everything for their child in an instant.There are no quick fix solutions for certain issues. Instead, find ways of making your child self reliant.They need not be perfect in what they do,but let them attempt doing it themselves. A daily conversation interspersed with little praises will work like a constant reminder to the child of his capabilities even during bad days. 

Another tip that I would suggest to parents  is to ask three questions to your child about him/her everyday. It need not  or rather should not be studies related. It could be social or emotional or behavioral.Anything relating to the experiences of the child in his/her everyday life. 

Personally speaking,I think the most important aspect of parenting is giving the child enough family time.Play with them,sing with them,dance with them and definitely laugh with with them!  Keep time for reading books with them too! 

Experiments with my own children

 I did a lot of crazy stuff to just keep my kids occupied while I did the regular mundane chores of domesticity. I  pretended to talk to the vegetables and dal and rice in front of my daughter who was just three as if I was narrating a story to her.Or when I put the clothes in the washing machine, very often it would be accompanied by whoosh and waash and other exclamations to create the sound effects! But it was fun! The kids would laugh and my tasks were done with ease! This was also a kind of informal learning where they got familiar with the names of different things around them. I remember creating rotis of different shapes(like an elephant or a duck or a fish) and make them guess what they were eating. Your babies need your time!! And in this fleeting time, try to create   pleasant memories for them!( Those were my dad's words to me!) I would intentionally give the names of the trees as we walked in the park. The idea was not to test them but to familiarize them with their surroundings informally.Talk,talk,talk!! Talk to them about everything! They can never find this pleasure of being with you in a book or a toy! 

 We would also read  a lot of books together.I never bought expensive books or toys for them.Firstly I never believed in spending money on toys (books were ok!) and children don't go by the glossiness of a book really.What matters to them is the time given to them by the parents to be with them.We played more with self designed toys; many toys were made by their Tatha (my dad) who was their best friend while they grew up!

We would identify good behaviour and bad behaviour from the stories we read.Many a times,we would informally create a gratitude circle by thanking all the different people who are helping us live our lives comfortably.And that would include trees and animals too!

My daughter was five years old when we became members of the local library. I had to play a trick to initiate her into reading. I remember this book was a collection of fairy tales. I read out the first page aloud to her and left the book in front of her and left saying that I had some urgent work to attend to .My reading had created  enough curiosity in her that she picked the book and read the rest of the story herself! Ever since ,she has never stopped reading books!!

So where does the father come in the picture of parenting? There is no 'special' role for the father. He could also do all that the mother can do! In our family,the father has contributed more in providing the Humour quotient! Both the kids liked to be taught by their appa as he was funny and made them laugh! It used to get on my nerves sometimes as the purpose for which he was made to be with them would not be solved.But in retrospect,I feel it was ok considering he had a different style of dealing with the kids. He was the one to ensure discipline at home which I think is very important too. He set  clear boundaries of space, activities and expenditure for the family.

Both the parents may differ in their parenting styles (like ours!!) but it is always good to be giving and forgiving at  times. You are their role models.. remember!

It is important for children to see the bonding between parents. You can do a bit of PDA to make your kids happy. Just have a family hug with the kids once in a while and see them smile! There is no age bar for this! 

Another important observation that I would like to share from my personal experience is that since each child is different, love your child in a way he or she understands your gesture .My son would need me around him all the time! It used to be funny to watch him follow me to every room that I went.So letting him be with us always was our way of showing him our love. My daughter, on the contrary, would rather be in her own space most of the time but would require her goodnight hug and kiss every night before going to bed! Small differences among the kids,if understood, can make really big differences in their lives! 

Finally,before I conclude,at any age, when they come to you ,for any reason, accept them into your folds without questions. Put yourself in their shoes .And when you listen to them,do so with patience and give advice only when asked. Most times, they just want to be heard.

There are bigger issues with grown up kids that we can discuss some other time!

Yes..last word. Wean them off early in life to fend for themselves if you really want to see them become independent and self sufficient. They have to learn their lessons in life in their own way. 

This is just like flying a kite.You allow the kite to  soar high in the sky. Give as much support as possible to let it rise but hold the spool tight within your hands to pull the thread fast when the kite appears to lose direction!

PAATUM NAANE, BHAAVAMUM NAANE! 
MY MUSINGS WITH THE SOUND OF MUSIC!

When I was 4....

AS A KID

When I think back, I realise that  music has been a part and parcel of my life! I have this picture of  me singing on stage when I was four years of 

age. My mother must have made me practice        

umpteen times for that song, I am sure! 

When I was about 5, I used to accompany my mother after school to attend Murugan bhajanai in our neighbourhood which was exclusively for 

ladies.I imbibed that genre of music from there. I used to sleep off halfway during the bhajanai on    my mother’s lap and get up right in time to drink the awesome 'Panagam'that used to be served almost close to the end of the bhajanai session. The bhajanai would generally finish with Om jaya jaya shakthi  which meant time for us to go back home!!

Along with this went on my appa’s  bhajanai  group which was called the Delhi bhajana samaj. They sang Sampradaya bhajans. Janaki Nama smaranam, Jai Jai Rama Rama  used to catch my attention everytime. Why only this, you ask? That is because I have another name Janaki! (in short Jana)To think I was exposed to all this when I was just 5!

MY PARENTS-A BIG INSPIRATION

So with such a background of singing and  music, I did not perceive it as an art or a skill.I always thought it comes naturally to people. Amma is a trained Carnatic singer and appa is an expert with ragams and an ardent music lover. He could sing Hindi film songs sung by K.L.Saigal with as much ease as he could sing western folk, such as, “oh my darling clementine”! He went for Veda classes on weekends and Amma managed to squeeze in time to learn shlokas. So, it was quite obvious that when they sensed that I had a decently good tonal quality in my voice they put me with my first formal music class when I was 6 years old. Initially, it was a group class which soon got converted into an individual class.

MY FORMAL MUSIC LESSONS

So the first harmonium of the family came home! My first guru was a radio artist Dr.Ravindran and his expectations were very high. He made my fundamentals very strong so much so that I became popular with my friends in school because of my singing abilities.But it was always classical. Very soon,this paatu sir hit a jackpot in a lottery and stopped teaching music. That is when I understood what winning a lottery really means!

My next teacher was Haalasyam Sir, from whom I could escape without practising. He brought me from geetham to varnam to a few simple keerthanas. 

I was in class six and had taken Music as my optional subject in SUPW in school.There,Mrs.Roy taught us Hindustani music which was new to me. It seemed easy to me as it was elementary and I could sense the similarities between Carnatic and Hindustani music. But my mind was never ready to sit and practice. 

PLAYING GAMES vs PLAYING THE SRUTHI BOX!!

I would be just playing all the time. Either staapu or pitthu or gitta or elastic or running around on the road playing chain chain, vish amrit or kho kho or simply playing tippi tippi tap or Raja mantri chor sipahi! Television had just come into the market for the first time in India. The first Doordarshan centre was set up in Delhi, the capital. So, the level of distraction was even more! 

I CAUGHT MUSIC!

The only opportunity I got to sing Carnatic music was during golu. “You should not say No when someone asks you to sing, “Amma would prepare me before hand! She would give me compliments on our way back home and make me sing the same song again so that appa could hear !! My brothers, also got familiar with my songs in the process! Appa Amma would listen to the National programme on AIR  every weekend where some great musician would sing. As they enjoyed listening to the singer, they would ask me to identify the ragam on which the song was based. So, I just caught music! 

THE DRIFT!

Then came the drift!! Since my brothers were in high school and needed more attention, my music took a back seat.Obviously, their first child was going to give Boards and the second was just a class behind. This was the time when my second brother, would keep listening to Hindi film songs of RD Burman on the radio. This really influenced me. I loved Hindi film songs,particularly those which had good lyrics.Age!, I was entering teenage! Before that I would play Antakshari in school by just imitating what others sang.Now I was better equipped, thanks to the middle in order! 

CHENNAI AND TEENS!

Very soon appa went abroad on an official posting and I was in Chennai with my cousins, my mama’s family! There came my introduction to Tamil film music. Mama was a member of Mylapore Fine arts club. I heard Parveen Sultana with my cousin there! I was quite surprised to see a North Indian in the South! Ofcourse Carnatic music was compulsory even at mama’s place with V.S.Veeraraghavan bhaghavathar, a veteran,who had even taught my mother and her sisters. This time I was not singing alone, I had a partner in crime, my mama’s daughter! She was older than me and sang better than me. This made my escape easy. I just had to “ join” in her singing! When we sang,we always sang together. Ah! That was such a relief. I would get up in the middle of the class on some pretext or the other. Now I connect the dots. I was in my teens, wild and  free who had to adapt to a new family( though my Patti was around) and to a new environment where parents were not around. My mother used to tell me that my stay in Chennai actually transformed me. I became more responsible and learnt to live in a big group of people at a tender age of 13. I am happy for what happened personally.I studied well,washed my own clothes, became the school’s sports champion but lost on music! My fault totally !! 

BACK WITH A BANG!

Soon, my parents returned and we were back in Delhi. Amma was on the look out for a paatu sir again. This time my guru was Sri Sankara Sarma.A very systematic, punctual and a disciplined teacher.He was a sishya of Alathur brothers and often complimented me by saying that I was a well behaved student. My interest in Carnatic music rose again. I was now singing with the tanpura.With Amma’s guidance I learnt the meaning of the Navagraha keerthanas that I sang. 

COLLEGE DAYS!

By then, it was disco music  with Aap Jaisa koi by Nazia Hassan all over in my peer group. Both my brothers were in their respective hostels. The Pilani guy would teach me Pink Floyd and Jim Morrison and the Allahabad guy introduced me to BoneyEm and ABBA! Appa on his return from Doha had his new set of spools and lps of devotional songs and Carnatic music along with western classical,Hindustani and instrumental music. Amma had started with her Narayaneeyam and Soundarya lahiri shloka classes at home. I finished school and was in college and I had a good mix of all genres of music to listen to. I was so much into music that I sang when I was happy, I sang when I was sad and I also sang when I had to express my mind!! 

I remember my brother and I went and bought lp records of ham kisi se kam nahi and Meera bhajans by Lata Mangeshkar as wedding gift for our amma appa on their 25th anniversary! Though these lps were of our choice and interest, and for the two of us, Amma appa  never complained!! After all,it was music that we had invested in!

RADIO PROGRAMME! 

My music classes went on as usual. My music sir wanted me to sing for Yuva Vani , an off shoot of AIR meant for the younger generation. He made me practice three songs for the voice test. Dr.Vageesh, who later became the director of AIR tested me and cleared me to be allowed to sing for Yuva Vani. I was in college then. A bit over confident,I didn’t carry my music notebook for the recording.And...I forgot the lyrics in the middle of the recording.There was only a single take of what we sang! The mridangam and violin players managed to play for a longer time before I recollected the words and sang again.That was a lesson in life. Always have a back up and carry your notebook before any public performance however well prepared you are! My friend Preethi Nair recorded my voice when it was being aired on the radio and gifted me the cassette.I felt overjoyed to hear my voice on the radio. I got 40 rupees for this .My mother made me buy veshti for my Thatha with that money and to take his blessings.So much of values were inculcated at every step in those days! I am happy I grew in that generation!

MARRIAGE AND THE CHANGE

I gave two more programmes on radio before I got married. Somehow Yuva Vani did not think we remain 'yuva' after we got married!!  The last one was aired just a day after my marriage.Imagine my plight!! The entire family of my in-laws and their relatives were sitting around the radio cum recorder, what was referred to as 2 in 1 in those days,waiting to listen to me.I hid in another room,never came out even once till the whole programme got over! Incidentally, it was my music teacher who suggested my husband’s alliance for matrimony to my mother. So much respect for him! 

I would not say I stopped my musical journey after marriage. It took a different turn.Though I had heard a few ghazals before marriage,it was my new family that put me into the folds of ghazals. AnupJalota,Pankaj Udhas,Jagjit Singh and many more..I loved them all. Even now,my first choice would be to listen a Jagjit Singh number anytime!

 WORK AND MUSIC!

During my teaching days,I would be in every choir with the students! Also,I looked for an opportunity to sing with the students! It helped build rapport with them and was definitely a stress buster! I remember I must have sung “do re me “ every time I taught the Newlands law of octaves while teaching the Periodic Table!

 MY KIDS AND THE LEGACY!

As my kids grew older,I did exactly what my parents did for me.I  also put them into Carnatic music classes! They were born in the Internet generation..so they had a greater exposure to music than I did.They both picked the guitar early in life, one teaching the other! Now they both appreciate music just as much as I do! I can now proudly say that my better half,who never,ever sang before is the singer of our family! He is an expert on karaoke with old Hindi film songs.My son goes on his trips of 'gamakas' once in a while and he does a good job at that! My daughter can gather an audience anywhere with her Bohemian Rhapsody! And for me, I have joined Ashtapathi classes again with my cousin brother during this lockdown. It keeps me sane and helps me explore my roots of Carnatic music once again with greater maturity.

So it seems,music and I are inseparable now. 

Paatum naane bhavamum naane!

Why the Coconut tree as a topic you ask?
I have always admired the coconut tree for a lot of reasons! My grandparents were from Palakkad  which is in Kerala (which literally means ‘land of coconut trees’). Even though Covai,where I live now, doesn’t seem to have the same level of green terrain as Kerala , it has enough trees to lure you to stand and admire them from wherever you are!! Here's my poem on my favorite tree!

My dear Coconut tree!

Oh! My dear Coconut tree!
Do you feel lonely or do you feel free?

Up above, far from the ground,                

Are you like a saint very profound?

Or do you miss the crowd below

Of noisy people and their bellow?

I wonder what goes in your mind!

Do you think we should be more gentle, more kind?

And suddenly your fruit drops heavily down,

Our hearts beat faster and many of us frown!

So what exactly is the intention that goes,

Behind this unruly act of creating chaos?

 Let me guess

Behind this mess,

You warn us to just halt and pause

Before we fall on the slippery moss

Of emotions and pain and baggages unknown

That we carried in life so long as our own.

Please tell me this is true,

How I wish I could speak with you!

And then, as we sip your water and drink                  

You press the refresh button of how we think.

You make us as nourishing as you are.

To flow freely again, leaving no scar.

I love you! I need you around me all the time,

Dear friend, you are my guide, sweet and sublime!

 ----------------------------------------------------------------

Painted the pot with coconut trees

FAMILY DETAILS

Being a  student of science, I was curious to check its background. I found out that  its scientific name is  Cocas nucifera and it  is a member of     the family Arecaceae (palm family). It is the only species in the Cocos genus. The name comes from the old Portuguese and Spanish word coco, meaning 'head' after the three indentations on the coconut shell that resemble facial features. The fruit, is, botanically, a drupe, not a nut.

THE LESSON

• I have always felt that a coconut tree stands to give us a lesson in life. It is truly a ‘Kalpavriksha’ - a tree that provides all necessities of life.
•  It represents versatility and resourcefulness as practically all of its parts are useful.
•  Its way of growing straight and tall teaches us about uprightness.
•  Its fruits produced in plenty remind us of the abundance that the Universe has provided us .
• It also compels us to be giving ,kind and altruistic.
• It sways during windy and stormy days, yet remains calm in stable weather!
•  The taller it grows, the more commited it becomes to face more trials and tribulations. 
• Its ability to face the vagaries of nature with strength denotes self belief and inspires us to be undeterred and remain focused at all times. 
• Even when the winds are strong, the tree bends itself, but never breaks. This is like an upright person who would never compromise on her/his  principles and emerge victorious in all adversities.
•  Very often, it seems to be saying, This too shall pass!
• "If  you want to go far, go in a group, if you want to go faster go alone". The coconut tree does just that. Sometimes it stands solitarily as a divider between houses. And sometimes there is a crowd of them together bordering roads. So,as people, we may have to take  some decisions alone and sometimes we may have to think collectively. Whatever be the situation,  do not ever lose hope and move on with determination and with a smile. Don’t  restrict yourself  because remember, sky is the limit.

My state of mind

I drew this in less than 5 minutes and wrote this short poem with it before going to bed, yesterday.
Therapeutic..

Color Your Way to Relaxation

I find using art as a therapeutic medium for relaxation. It lets our creative juices flow and make us feel good emotionally. When we put our feelings and thoughts onto paper or canvas, it leaves us feeling accomplished and thus raises our self esteem too. Art stimulates the motor areas(when we draw) and the cognitive domain (thinking and expression) of the brain simultaneously. I like to color while listening to music though it is not always possible. That adds to the soothing effect.

What I like about this therapy is that you don’t necessarily have to create elaborate or complicated images.You don’t need to be a talented artist either to engage in this. The idea is just to express yourself freely through art. I paint and  like to give a positive interpretation to what I create.

Doodling or even making patterns such as zentangles and mandalas is a good way to come out with artistic creativity. Elaborate designs such as making a rangoli or kolam that makes you move around an area is also a good way of releasing stress. Drawing cartoons, pictures of things,people and animals, even pets that are dear to us can make us feel happy. It is better to use colors that is of our liking and choice because in our subconscious mind, we associate colors with our emotions.

Note for parents: If you find that your child is hyperactive or restless, give him/ her a coloring book and a box of colors. This is a good way to keep the child engaged, besides calming the nerves and developing creativity.  

Zentangles! That’s what I plan to create next.

Art washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life. – Pablo Picasso

TRANSACTIONAL ANALYSIS MAKES LIFE EASY!

We are entering a delicate territory this time! If you are married and say that you have never faced it,you are lying!! Haha! Marital conflicts!!!!

Though most couples are generally in a peaceful state, there are times when the bomb explodes suddenly! A normal, positive conversation shifts into a negative one in a jiffy! The purpose of the conversation is then immediately lost. Conflicts drain your energies and make you wallow in self pity. Let us explore more.

The easiest way seems to be to maintain a symbiotic relationship You keep me happy,I keep you happy. Easily said than done. We really are different people. We have different ideas, different feelings, different interests. Symbiosis doesn’t work all the time! We cannot possibly match ourselves and  think the same way always ! So,the next easiest solution one looks for is to expect the other person to change !! This is when the conflict gradually escalates. At this stage each person focusses on defending themselves and simultaneously punishing or blaming the other partner.And this can further blow up to any proportions. Sky is really the limit!! Are you wondering how I know so much? That’s because I am married for more than 3 decades now and am a psychologist too!

On a serious note, the more often this is repeated, the more negative the relationship  becomes. So,it is imperative that the conflict is resolved respectfully, mutually. My experience tells me that understanding the underlying psychology in any interaction helps to improve communication between partners and avoid conflicts.

 Our memory has a lot to do with this. Each one of us has already written and stored a life story for ourselves by the age of seven , which we revise further during adolescence. As grown-ups we are usually not aware of the life story we have written. This is our life 'script' and we tend to act according to this without our knowledge. 

Conflict resolution should then begin from exploring our own personality and the other person’s personality and finding out how this has been shaped due to our childhood experiences.I have tried this too! This means to try to understand why we think, act and feel the way we do during any interaction.  

I am convinced that some basic knowledge of Transactional Analysis or TA is always good to neutralize and maintain the acid-base balance in a relationship.

TA is a psycho-analytical theory, developed by Eric Berne in the 1960s. He called the basic unit of any social interaction as a ‘transaction’. 

When two persons communicate, one person initiates the transaction and the other responds. If a person is fully ‘present’ during the transaction, and is able to ‘analyse’ the existing transaction as it proceeds with awareness, the chances of misunderstanding would be less. Morever, one can even direct the transaction to our favor. Now that's cool,isnt it? 

I recommend that everybody be  given a short course on Transactional Analysis before marriage!!

So let me elaborate further..

The TA model suggests that we all have three ego states, Parent, Adult, and Child which constitute our feelings and emotions and regulate our transactions.

Parent ego state includes our attitudes, feelings, and behavior that we have acquired from our parents or any person who has performed the duty of being the primary caregiver. So in a given situation,our response would be determined by how  one of our parents would have behaved if they were in that situation. So whether you had a controlling parent or a nurturing parent would be a decisive factor in your present personality. Think about it. How were your parents when you were a kid? What were their beliefs and attitudes?

On this note, I am reminded of this poem that I read in the Prayer Book of Holy Child School where I was a teacher a long time ago..

Children Learn What They Live by Dorothy Law Nolte

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.

If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.

If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.

If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.

If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.

If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.

If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.

If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.

If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.

If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.

If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.

If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.

If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.

If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.

If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.

If children live with fairness, they learn justice.

If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.

If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.

If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

Adult  ego state is our present state as we are now.In this state, a person is able to assess the environment objectively and in a pragmatic way with maturity. In this state, you will be able to compute various probabilities based on facts. You would convey your ideas in a dignified and in a matter of fact way.

Child ego state includes the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that we experienced as a child. This depends on whether you were a Natural Child or an Adapted Child.

The Natural child types are curious, creative and expressive in letting their emotions. They may sometimes appear to be immature or over-emotional and  disconnected with the real world. The Adapted Child types have trained social skills and behavior and usually conforms to gender-specific messages, may be lacking in confidence or not able to accept responsibility. They may compensate this by becoming aggressive or rebellious.

So if your children do not behave properly stop condemning them and start analysing where you  went wrong in raising them!!  I have always said, there are no problem children. There are only problem parents!!

So basically, every person’s Parent and Child ego states could be different depending on the circumstances in which they were raised. How you behave or how your partner behaves in a given situation depends on  which of these states is activated in that particular situation. By identifying which ego states are present in a given transaction, one can relate the behavior to the associated thoughts and behaviors of that State. When you deal with a situation with this understanding, you can modify, direct and thus regulate the transaction with the people around you into  positive ones.

Transactions are generally of two kinds, The favorable ones called the Complementary transactions  and the unfavorable ones known as the Crossed transactions.

When the ego states of both the persons are complementary to one another, the interaction is always positive and constructive. This means that what you say and the response you expect to receive and actually receive, are the same.

A  person in a Parent ego state talking to another person in Child ego state or a person in Child ego state responding to a person in Parent ego state would be complementary. There is a mutual give and take in this transaction and both parties feel loved. When one partner is completely dependent on the other and does not question the ‘Parent’ partner, it would be complementary. Seems impossible in present times though!!

Suppose you were not keeping well. You may expect attention and love from your partner.This transaction would be complementary if your partner acts from the Parent ego state and attends to you with affection.

 Maybe you feel you are independent and can take care of yourself even when you are ill and your partner also lets you be the way you would want.It does not mean that there is no affection in this relationship but there is an understanding that you know to deal with the situation rationally. A person in Adult ego state talking to another person in Adult ego state would also be complementary.

In a complementary transaction, both  the individuals  feel acknowledged and understood and the conversation can go on without emotional outbursts or hurt feelings.

Crossed transactions, as the name suggest, happen when  a person says something from one ego state, and gets a different response from the expected one from the partner. A person asks a question from the Adult ego state, hoping that the reply from the other person would also come from the Adult ego state. But instead the second person’s child ego state is activated. This would probably result  in a fight, or an abrupt end to the conversation.

Let us take the same example. If you are not well, you would act from your Child ego state of wanting attention. But your partner may act out from Adult state and may not connect with it as an adult behavior and may tell you to take your medicines yourself. This can leave you hurt as you may feel that your emotional needs were not met. Is your partner really at fault? No. If only you knew how TA works !!

Simple! Isnt it? It is always the crossed transactions that lead to disruptions in relationships. So next time when you are in the middle of a crossed transaction, try to shift the ego states to make them complementary. Analyse your relationship patterns and see which state do you act and respond from usually. Do the same for your partner to understand and make your relationships better.

Bye for now! Planning to have an Adult to Adult conversation with my partner today about our Retirement Plans!! Hope we manage it well! Fingers crossed!! Haha!